Despite the closeness of her relationships, Clune admitted that the hyper-emotional world of a female-to-female sexual bond was “exhausting.” “The women I went out with were by and large more inclined to be insecure and to need reassurance and I found myself in the male role of endlessly reassuring my girlfriends,” she wrote. “The subtle mood changes of everyday life would be picked over inexhaustibly.”
I can imagine. Sounds like dorm life. I found the next statement especially interesting. She says:
Unlike most men, women, of course, offer each other endless support and there’s hardly ever any lack of communication,” she said. “But – bizarre as it may seem – I found myself longing for exactly the opposite.
Doesn’t sound bizarre to me. We imagine, when we are younger, that we want someone who will understand us perfectly, someone who will cherish our talents and best qualities as much as we cherish them ourselves. While it’s true that love makes us see the best in our beloved, the strongest marriages I know are composed of people who are often baffled by each other’s behavior. One woman told me, “After forty years of marriage, I can now predict exactly what my husband will think and do in every situation. But why he does it is still a mystery to me!”
Women tend to think that they can get to the bottom of everything, if they only worry away at the problem long enough. But if you have two women worrying away, I can easily imagine starting to gnaw on each other’s nerves. A good relationship brings two different sets of problems, but also two different styles of solving problems. (Okay, I know it’s an oversimplification to imply that all women solve problems in one way; but there is certainly a more typically feminine way of going about things, which only works well if it’s not allowed to triumph every time. Same thing for everything typically masculine.)
Clune has now been married for several years, and says of her relationship with her husband:
I felt we were walking alongside each other rather than spending life locked in face-to-face intimacy or combat.
Here she illuminates a truth about loving and successful relationships which is, I believe, missed by many heterosexual couples. That’s what marriage is supposed to be: walking alongside each other, and complementing each other. Complementary, by definition, involves lots and lots of differences. The walk is not always a peaceful or pleasant one, but you ought to be facing in the same direction, and at least trying to go somewhere.
According to the article,
[O]ne major lesbian publication voted her “Most Disappointing Lesbian Of The Year.”
Hee hee. I’m sorry, maybe that was difficult for Clune to hear, but I find this designation hilarious, and I don’t even know why. It’s just such a girl thing to say.
So? Does what Clune says ring true to anyone out there with more personal experience in lesbian relationships?