A Memo to Google Employees on the Recent Outrage

To: All Google Employees
From: Unoi’m Carasee, Vice President of Mutually Exclusive Propositions
Subject: The Recent Outrage

Dear Google Employees:

In light of the horrific assault on Google values recently made by a former employee, we feel it is necessary to add a few further propositions to the official Google List of Mandatory Beliefs. In order to retain their positions, all Google employees must assent to the following two Statements of Fact:

1) For the purposes of employee non-discrimination policy, there is no such thing as a male brain or a female brain. Any suggestion to the contrary is rank bigotry.

2) For the purposes of transgender policy, each person’s brain is either male or female. Any suggestion to the contrary is rank bigotry.

Perhaps the first reaction of some of you will be that the two statements above cannot both be true. That is Western, patriarchal, non-intersectional thinking. Such thinking is merely a sign that your brain has not been fully Googleized. Accepting the truth of what used to be called “mutually exclusive propositions” can be difficult for the uninitiated, who bitterly cling to outdated ideas. But once you internalize contradictions, affirming the logically impossible becomes easier and easier every day. As an exercise in proper thinking, I myself assent to at least three impossible contradictions every day before breakfast.

Please remember, as you no doubt read in the Employee Handbook, Google’s commitment to diversity is complete and unequivocal. Any variance from diversity is not permitted and will be dealt with immediately. It is only when all of us think exactly the same thoughts that we can achieve perfect diversity.

Of course, Google is also completely committed to the advancement of science and human knowledge. If history has taught us anything, it is that science can only flourish where the allowable topics of discussion are highly circumscribed. Approved subjects of conversation are posted throughout the campus, so please look before you speak.

I believe some of the problem lately has been a simple misunderstanding of my last memo. Unfortunately, I mistyped that Google “approves of free speech.” I meant to write that Google must “approve free speech.” I want all of our employees to feel perfectly free to express themselves however their political, moral, or religious beliefs impel them; provided of course that they receive prior written authorization.

Rest assured that we are acting to stop any repetition of recent events. As a first step, we are replacing the usual background music with subliminal suggestions of the proper way to think. You might not like this change at first, but after a while you will find yourself mysteriously drawn to it.

I am also pleased to announce the creation of a new employee committee that we are calling Keep Getting Better (KGB). Members of the KGB are tasked with coming up with new and improved ways in which Google can advance its diversity program, with a special emphasis on maintaining proper thoughts at all times. Members of the KGB have already suggested a great new team-building exercise in which all employees will meet in the main parking lot, link elbows, and literally walk in lock-step across the campus.

By the way, I hope you all noticed the exemplary actions recently by Lena Dunham in reporting a non-approved private conversation by American Airline employees. Her vigilance, I’m afraid, puts to shame a segment of our employees. As I have mentioned several times before, not all Google employees are submitting the required number of “Narrative of Recorded Conversation” (NARC) forms to the HR department. Remember, we need a minimum of ten forms per month from each employee. If you can’t get that number, then you are simply not doing your share to nurture our community. And, please, on your forms, remember to name names. If you have any further questions on how best to report on fellow employees, please contact Stasi R. Cumming, Vice President of the Radical Alteration Taskforce (RAT).

We are confident, however, that the forms will soon be unnecessary. Our engineers are just finishing up a new phone app that will monitor the use of forbidden words or phrases. When a forbidden word or phrase is detected, the phone will start recording and continue to record for 24 hours. The audio will then be sent to the Google Department of Neighborliness Improvement and Correlative Empathy (NICE), and forwarded to law enforcement agencies where appropriate. The app will pick up conversations as much as 100 feet away, so it’s great for policing wide areas. Of course, it will also monitor all of your own conversations, which I know will be a great comfort to anyone struggling with incorrect thoughts. Just another way Google is making the world better every day.

As Vice President of New Thinking, Weliks Talin, has said many times: to build an ideal world, we must purge ourselves of non-ideal people. Google is committed to purging every day. Are you?

(Photo credit: Wikicommons)