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    • May 21, 2012

    Moms Should Not Strip

    by Jennifer Kaczor

    dance

    Good news! While my daughter takes her ballet class, I can now take a “strip-hop” class. I read the announcement at my daughter’s dance studio:

    Unleash your inner seductress. Come join the fun!

    Really? Gyrating and peeling off my clothes in front of other women…fun?  “Let me be clear,” I told my husband, when he looked a little too keen on the idea, “the only way I’m unbuttoning my blouse for another woman is if she’s administering a mammogram. The sexiest thing I’ve got going is staying alive to help you raise these kids.”

    Just when you think it can’t get worse than selling thongs to eight year olds, it does. What used to be a “skill set” for working at a “strip joint” — universally seen as a desperate place for desperate men and women– is now called an “exercise class” and held in studio B at Little Dancers. I guess it’s never too early to expose your daughter to pole dancing and to normalize it for her by doing it yourself.

    Lest I sound strident, or puritanical, I’m neither. Though my address is not quite 90210, it’s close. I live just outside of Beverly Hills, in West Los Angeles.  I can assure you that no one who leans toward puritanism purposely resides in L.A. It would be like moving to Seattle and hoping to not get wet. By L.A. standards, my family is pretty normal.

    In part because of the weather, and in part because of the entertainment industry, Los Angeles supports a body-conscious, even provocative, culture.  And too often, the line between what is acceptable for adults and what is acceptable for children is blurred.  In this case, a “strip-hop” class—even in L.A.—ought not to be offered or advertised at a children’s dance studio.

    And yet, a culture of false modesty isn’t the answer either. Some years ago, I knew a family who forbade their daughters to wear jeans…ever. They claimed it was immodest. The girls, who loved and respected their parents, acquiesced. Some years later, however, the parents’ dictum had unforeseen consequences. The girls went away to college, met other very conservative, very faith-filled young women and discovered that everyone else wore jeans. As simple as it might seem, this lead to questioning much else of what their parents had taught them. They suffered a crisis of faith because of an incomplete understanding of modesty.

    We have to be careful. Clothes and image are extremely important to teenagers. We must be sensitive to their biological and psychological need to be pretty and to fit in. We must draw a line, of course, but we must draw it thoughtfully. Our Catholic faith enjoins us to be free in the spirit of God. There is no prescriptive dress code to follow. Rather, we are called to follow a properly developed conscience, and if that fails, to fall back on common sense—which would seem to dictate against G-strings for eight year olds and pole dancing for mothers.

    Finally, if a religious upbringing, a well-developed conscience, and common sense all fail, there exists one last defense against total moral abdication—vanity. To that end, let me just say that I’ve seen myself naked and I’d rather die than take a strip-hop class. You can call it morality. You can call it modesty. You can call it meekness.  If the choice is between a pole or my pride, I’m gonna cling to what’s left of my pride. Thanks anyway.

    Tagged as: Modesty, Vanity

    The views expressed by the authors and editorial staff are not necessarily the views of
    Sophia Institute, Holy Spirit College, or the Thomas More College of Liberal Arts.

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    By Jennifer Kaczor

    Jennifer Kaczor lives in Los Angeles with her husband and seven children. She’s written for National Review, Catholic Exchange, Inside Catholic, and the Bellingham Review.

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    • pamelanak

      I will quote what my Proggie friends do when trying to argue  Jesus’ support for gay marriage, ” Jesus never said it_____________(fill-in-the-blank with a traditionally proscribed behaviour of choice) was wrong.  Pole stripping can be yet another thing to add to the plethora of modern activities Jesus never expressly prohibited in Holy Writ. Happily, the authoress has more sense—and the Faith— than do most of my Proggie friends.

    • Dagnabbit

      Okay, there’s just no ideal way to put this. So, knowing ahead of time that I’ll put it in a less-than-ideal way, I’ll still bite the bullet and say it. Here goes.

      A woman ought not be immodest: Granted.

      A married guy with a well-formed conscience doesn’t want his wife to be immodest (to display herself in sexually enticing ways around others): Granted.

      A married man is very greatly blessed, however, if his wife enjoys privately enticing him and is enthusiastic about doing that.
      It’s fair to acknowledge that some (probably most?) married women can improve in this department.

      I think this remains true, even after one has already accounted for various legitimate excuses and extenuating circumstances (the trials of married life and life with kids, the fact that her husband is perhaps not so desirable a figure as he could be). Even accounting for all of that, room for improvement exists.

      Improvement could be a matter of frequency: Making an effort to do something extra to get him interested more often than, y’know, once a year.

      Improvement could also be a matter of ideas: Being enticing in a new and unexpected way.

      Improvement could also be a matter of skill: Being enticing, not in a half-hearted and embarrassed and clumsy and self-deprecating and apologetic way, but in a confident and well-executed way that provokes a “wow, I had no idea she could do that.”

      Speaking as a married man who loves his wife dearly, I’ll say that neither frequency nor unexpected ideas nor skillful execution of a great come-on is as important to us guys as the enthusiasm and enjoyment behind the effort. They’re nowhere near as important. If we sense that you’re taking it as a resented chore, no amount of skill or innovation will matter. If we sense that you’re having fun and “really into us,” lack of skill or innovation won’t matter much at all.

      Still, wouldn’t a woman be more enthusiastic and uninhibited with her husband if she had practiced being enticing? If she were good at it? (One is usually happier doing something if one knows how to do it and knows one is doing it well. And after a while, a pattern of no-effort punctuated by half-hearted and apologetic efforts ceases to look like charming innocence and looks more like not giving a flip.)

      So. If a strip-tease class of this kind is crossing the line (and having it in a kids’ dance facility is really crossing the line); still, isn’t there some way a Christian wife can learn to be really enticing, without moral compromise?

      When I say “learn,” I mean, learn with the assistance of other human beings, or resources created by other human beings, who have legitimate ability to teach something worthwhile.

      I acknowledge that the best practice is doing the thing. (And few husbands will turn down the opportunity to participate in that kind of training session.)

      But in every other area of life, one can learn a lot from someone else’s experience through instructional materials or through a class. Well, what of this area of life? Is instruction in the art of marital enticement impossible without moral compromise?

      Or are there opportunities for Christian wives to learn to be enticing that are morally permissible?

      • Jenniferkaczor

        I agree. And I think you did a fine job expressing your opinion. Just as we have to be sensitive to our teens’ need to be attractive, we wives need to be sensitive to our husbands’ need to have beautiful and sexually alluring wives. I think women overlook that sometimes, and I think it’s a mistake.

        • Dagnabbit

          Thanks for not responding with an offended slam, Jennifer. I didn’t
          think you would, but it’s a risk, asking that kind of question on a
          Christian forum.

          Still, there was a practical side to my question.
          How are Christian
          women supposed to get good at being enticing, or at least confident in
          their own skin? Okay so the pole dancing classes are over the line.
          Fine, but what isn’t? Sketchy videos sold in the backs of magazines seem about as bad….A woman who’s chaste prior to marriage but who’s wild for her husband once they get married (good at showing it and happy to show it) is the ideal.But this is a practical problem two ways. The woman needs to learn something about this stuff without acting immorally, immodestly. Also it would be better if she did not encourage a not-very-moral business or industry.But how does the woman go from chaste and modest outside the bedroom to confident and sultry and whatever else in the bedroom without relying on stuff like the pole dance classes, the sketchy videos, whatever? And how to do it without taking a class from a person whose expertise in how to dance that way probably didn’t come from working as a librarian?Or, how does she have nice lingerie without buying it from a catalog full of not-very-covered models, who work in a pretty trashy industry?You see what I mean that it’s a practical problem. In your piece you told your husband fugheddaboutit, okay, I get that. But I’m just not seeing what the morally permitted alternatives are. Are the husbands just out of luck?

          • 2cents

            Dagnabbit – where do you get your ideas of what is “enticing”? Be honest, did you make them up all by yourself or have you “borrowed” from the world?
            As a wife who was less than pure (with my husband) before marriage, something I am not really proud of, and someone whose husband has viewed internet porn fairly often since our wedding, I find your comments a little uncomfortable.

            I appreciate your honesty and I believe you are trying to be delicate, but my husband has said the same things, more or less (after I found out about the porn). So I wasn’t “enticing” enough – should have taken some classes, I guess. 

            May I ask how you find yourself “out of luck”? I find the simple things that have nothing to do with lingerie or poles to be the most enticing, personally. Can it not be the same for the men?

            • Dagnabbit_42

              I meant other men “out of luck.” I would not say that I was “out of luck” now. There was a time, I grant you. But things improved, gradually, to the point where I asked this question more on behalf of other guys. It was a confidence issue and a body image issue that, rather than coming across as a lack of confidence and experience in her, ended up coming across as a lack of interest and joy. At the time, I made the mistake of saying something about it, which only made it worse.

              So I guess the reason I put my “2cents” in was because when Jennifer said…

              “Let me be clear,” I told my husband, when he looked a little too keen on the idea, “the only way I’m unbuttoning my blouse for another woman is if she’s administering a mammogram. The sexiest thing I’ve got going is staying alive to help you raise these kids.” 

              …it seemed a bit like “don’t expect me to make an effort to be a great bedmate for you, buster. You’re married and have kids, so it’s all diminishing returns from here and your job is to live with it and like it.” And my reaction to that was, “Hey, have some pity on the faithful married guy who obeyed God.”

              (Jennifer, I now know that that isn’t what you meant, because of your first reply post to me. But you can see how it could be read that way.)The good Christian guy who waited until marriage has this hope in the back of his mind that, because he obeyed God by waiting, God will reward him with a great sex life thereafter. So he goes and marries a good Christian girl…and it doesn’t work out quite as the hoped-for reward.Where does the idea of “enticing” come from? Our whole society is porn-ified and I won’t lie and say I haven’t looked, too. How strong an influence that is varies from one man to another. I think I’m on the low side, but I can’t be certain…and anyway it still required trips to confession.So is that all it is, the pornified society produces the desire in men for an enthusiastic bedmate? Maybe, but I have my doubts. I thought porn capitalized on (and then gradually warped) existing instinctive desires in visually-attuned men. Existing, meaning, it’s there to start with and porn makes use of it for commercial gain.
              Also, 2cents, you may have misunderstood my intent. GIVEN that the pole thing is trashy, is there something not trashy but which still helps the woman get over the body-conscious non-confident thing? Or, helps her get over it a bit faster?

              I think there is a difference between that, and trying to turn your wife into something trashy. I wouldn’t want that, it doesn’t compute with the word “wife.” (Who puts a real diamond in a cheap plastic ring?)

              • 2cents

                I appreciate your candor, Dag. Your last response helped clear up some things. I am interested how things improved in your marriage – I will assume she did not take the pole-dancing class? :)
                “is there something not trashy but which still helps the woman get over the body-conscious non-confident thing? Or, helps her get over it a bit faster?”Well, knowing your husband would never look at porn helps. But, realistically, IMO it is a few things:1) that she has 100% faith and trust in her husband that he will love her forever and always think SHE is the most beautiful woman in his eyes – and I mean for real. A little bit of humility on his part helps in that. Every woman knows she can never compete with a fantasy.2) Feeling that her husband looks at their marriage bed as a “holy” place – one where God is welcome and blesses it and one where she can feel completely safe that her husband would NEVER expect her to do anything she was uncomfortable with.3) knowing that her husband loves her for all sorts of reasons and not just her body. And yes, the husband needs to be SPECIFIC about those reasons.Like I said – that is what I feel would make me be confident to show my love for my man and make him happy. And I am sure the wife would be enthusiastic.If that sounds like something a husband would not be enthusiastic in pursuing, then I would say maybe he don’t know what sex is all about.Theology of the Body expresses all this in a beautiful way. I wish I had known about it when I was in high school – it would have saved me much heartache. One other thing – do guys really get that bored with shall I say, run-of-the-mill  love-making? I don’t think I can honestly say that I have ever felt I needed props or anything to feel turned on – I guess it is more of an emotional thing for me. 

              • Reets46

                Just another thought that hasn’t been addressed here regarding libido in women.  There are many, many women who have low levels of libido because of drugs like antidepressants and of course contraceptives.  I would assume the libido issue relates to men as well when one considers how many Viagra commercials are seen on TV.

    • Tout

      I feel that a woman should go for ‘decent’.  Dresses or pants should cover  the knees  I doubt that a short dress, not covering the knees, can be as beautiful as one that does cover the knees. A swimsuit should not be in two  piece. Men should never wear a skimpy swimsuit. Even in hot countries, many women are well dressed.

      • Ninja

         
        there are plenty of modest two piece swimsuits–a long top matched with a skirted or shorts bottom is two pieces yet very modest.  Swimsuit separates are sold all over and can be combined to be both attractive and modest.

    • KJ

      @d1ecb8b0ccc38dbb97fcf0b4c0c11161:disqus , I would wager the best way to improve in that area is practice.  At home. Together.  IMO, sexiness doesn’t mean slutty.  Sexy means desirable and that opens a whole different topic.  If a husband is desiring an enticing dance, my first question is “what is enticing and where is he getting his ideas about enticing.”  I could go on and on, but I will keep it short and end with, It is much easier to be enticed by my wife if my eyes and mind are kept pure.  

    • Michael Paterson-Seymour

      What constitutes modesty in dress is largely a matter of custom and usage.  My late grandmother, born in 1890 was the last woman in the county to ride to hounds side-saddle, which she did well into her seventies and frowned on women riding astride.  Yet I have photographs of her in really quite short “flapper” dresses.

    • http://www.easyhomeimprovements.org/ easy home improvements

      That actually made me laugh. But some people do finds things that they can do to shake things up, sadly this is one of them. Although I’m not totally against it, it’s still a bit inappropriate for me especially being a mother.

    • Lisa Sadler

      I think women used to hand down wifely wisdom in the past…how to keep house, raise children and keep husband’s happy. I also think that much of it wasn’t about “tricks” or “costumes” in the bedroom (which I think is cheap novelty and will become boring soon enough..and then what? and then what? and then what? someone else?)…it was about RESPECTING the husband in public and in private. The gimmicks are a losing game .. and it lowers the role of the wife to have to feel she’s competing with every for-hire model and actress wannabe of photos and film.

      Another thing is what are we talking about here? That young bride of yours is not passing through life unburdened and unscathed by worry, by work and by responsibility. She is often heavily fatigued mentally and emotionally. If she’s a “good” Catholic, she’s likely to be having one child after another and might be feeling a little hesitant about being intimate for fear of having another child so soon.

      Then throw in the fact that she’s AGING and losing her beauty and probably overweight and at least battled scarred from pregnancy..but she’s supposed to put her body on display to entice her H …. exhaustion and insecurity do not a exhibitionist make.

    • Ann Roth

      The author is correct that wives should not take pole dancing classes nor should they pole dance for their husbands. One poster noted that it becomes on gimmick after another. These gimmicks make an object of the woman and that is wrong. It is not her job or responsibility to be alluring or enticing. It is her job to be a good wife. It is his job to be a good husband. “Good” in the full, Catholic Christian sense of the word.  And someone noted how important what happens outside the bedroom is: respect, communication, trust, etc. If these things are not in place first, nothing will fix or help in the bedroom. Or at least it will be shallow, physical and a woman worth her salt will feel used. Nothing can make up for time spent together, real communication and respect. I have been there, done that. 

    • Bono95

      I understand modesty issues with girls in pants if the pants in question are too close fitting, too short, low cut, and/or sheer (is it just me, or are pants one of the rarest articles of clothing to be made with sheer fabric? Sheer shirts, skirts, dresses, tights, and stockings abound unfortunately in all cases except for the tights and stockings, but one rarely encounter sheer pants). Anyway, if the pants don’t break any of the modesty rules above, I think they’re OK for girls to wear, and are sometimes more OK than the abundance of short or sheer skirts you find in stores.

    • Bono95

      A book I have on dressing modestly discourages ladies from wearing masculine/unisex clothing and T-shirts with writing on the chest………… and yet I own and frequently wear several shirts that break both of those rules and yet are otherwise completely modest. They’re long, the fabric is totally opaque, the sleeves come close to the elbows, they don’t cling to my figure, and the necklines are nice and high. It’s not that I’m trying to be immodest or break rules, it’s just these shirts are way cooler (and sometimes more modest) than the versions they make specifically for girls. :-/